Consider The Rap Music Crisis Officially Solved.

Critics of Rap music have been suggesting, for some time, that it’s gone soft: “Lost it’s teeth,” they lament. “Sold out.” While it used to be the voice of the counter-culture, now songs from former bad-asses, like 50 Cent, are being used to sell tampons.


Indeed, the appeal of Rap has grown so broad it’s become vanilla; but, I dare say, it’s not too late to recapture the genre’s original rebellious spirit. In fact, if I were given 6 months and a million dollars, I could save Rap Music: By starting the first ever Hip Hop label for Senior Citizens.

WHY THEM?
What’s lacking in Rap is authenticity. Young rappers pretend to act like gangsters in hopes of gaining street-cred; but what do these kids truly know about being hardcore? Old farts, on the other hand, are the real deal. Take Cal Wallace, a 73-year-old Vietnam Vet living in Seattle: “Kanye West’s a big, fat, giant pussy if you ask me. Oh, he grew up on the rough streets of Chicago, did he? Try being 19-years-old, knee deep in a rice patty, shoving your buddy’s intestines back into his abdominal cavity after he’s been turned inside-out by a mortar. Not ‘street’ enough for you? I once infiltrated an underground command post – filled with 23 Viet Cong – and took them all out, using just a rusted pistol and a commando knife. Trust me, Kanye West doesn’t know shit about the Thug Life. His punk-ass wouldn’t last five seconds in the jungle.”


WHAT ABOUT THEIR MATERIAL?
When you think about it, who has more justifiable discontent to write about than Senior Citizens? With their bodies in a state of irreversible decay and the threat of death imminent, their frustration is rich artistic territory. For instance: Raisin-faced, Leonard B. Callis, 83, of Atlanta, Georgia, hadn’t had a decent erection in over fifteen years. His resulting dissatisfaction inspired the now famous poem Yo, Why My Dick So Soft. Imagine if Leonard could breathe his wisdom into a broader audience by combining his prose with a really sick beat. With their own record label, Seniors would be able to impart compelling insights through songs such as: Damn, I Shit Myself Again, or Bitch, Get Me My Jello, or As I Stand On The Precipice Of The Great Abyss, I Realize My Life Was Completely Meaningless.

WOULD THEY KEEP IT REAL?
Young rappers are self-conscious and worried about their image; both of which cloud their ability to be honest. Because old people are free of the desires to look cool or get laid, they’re able to give us unfiltered, culture-changing Truth. If old men were worried about appearances, would they wear black socks with sandals? No. They do it because they don’t give a rat’s ass what other people think about them -- that’s exactly the kind of unflinching boldness needed to save Rap.


WOULD THEY BE PROFITABLE?
From the fiscal standpoint, a geriatric Hip-Hop label makes total sense. Right now, there are around 40,000,000 old folks out there that don’t listen to Rap. That’s money in the bank when this thing catches on. As an added bonus, some Seniors might even forget they purchased our records and turn into repeat customers!

HOW WOULD I DO IT?
Easy. Since old people are usually bored to tears watching television and waiting to die, they’d probably jump at the chance to learn some new things! With nothing better to do, they could spend as much time as needed in the studio, honing their technique. Since rhyming requires only rudimentary verbal skills, the learning curve wouldn’t be too bad, anyway! Our elderly performers would be up and running in no time!

LET’S DO THIS.
I would hate to see Rap continue to lose its way. But, if we act quickly and deliberately, by letting Senior Citizens take the lead, we can guarantee it’s relevance for generations to come.