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I'm experiencing post-traumatic flashbacks from my first full-medical-checkup, this morning.
Before the doctor shows me who's boss, I warn him: “I might break your finger if I accidentally clench-up.”
“Are you kidding me?” he says, displaying his pointer. “This is the strongest finger in America. Do your worst.”
The doctor isn’t lying: His finger is quite powerful. Or perhaps he’s substituted a plunger-handle, as a practical joke, when I wasn’t looking.
As he’s violating me, it seems like the doctor’s taking a long time and I ask him if he’s misplaced his car keys up there. The doctor says no and that my prostate’s in good shape.
Removing his glove, he flatly says, “Never go to prison.” I tell him I surely won’t. What an unexpected bonus this is: Not only do I learn about my health, today; I also get a valuable anti-crime lesson!
Taking my rape-shower, back at home, I crouch in the fetal position and gently rock myself back and forth; sobbing quietly.
To my gay friends out there, I’ve got to say: Gentlemen, I salute you. If that’s pleasurable, then you dudes are - for sure - the absolutely toughest bastards on the planet. Not only should you guys be allowed in the military, I think we need to start an all-gay armed force. With your obviously high threshold for pain and stunning fashion sense, you guys would be unstoppable.
This is f'ing hilarious and sad at the same time. And I'm suspicious. If we can send a man to the moon in 1969, then in 2010, is another man's finger really the most technologically advanced method of checking a man's prostate? Hell, what about x-ray, or ultrasound? Or even a wire with a senor on the tip. You can probably find one at Radio Shack. Shit, they can tell the sex of a 1 month old fetus without a damn finger, they can sure as hell tell the size of a prostate without one too. I'm suspicious. Why is it that the nurse does all the procedures leading up to, but then stops at the finger insertion. She checks your blood pressure, your temperature and gives you a tetanus shot in the ass. But when it comes time for the nut check and the anal probe, Mr. Doctor happily shoves her aside and gets down to business. I want the nurse to put her finger up my ass dammit! I'll fucking pay extra. I don't care if my insurance won't cover it, I'll pay out of pocket! I'm pissed off at being abused every 6 months. And again, I'm suspicious as hell. Next time I'm at my doctor and slips on the rubber glove and greases his index finger, I'm going look him straight in the fucking eyes and ask the motherfucker: "Dude, I fucking know the nurse can do this. Why are you even in here? I want a goddam straight answer now buddy!"
ReplyDeleteDude, you just made my day. Hilarious.
ReplyDelete